Release Rundown - Wintertime Wasteland

Welcome to the first three-writer article! Today, we're going to be giving our takes on all of the previews we've seen for the RiotQuest Kickstarter models. And by takes, I mean good old traditional English banter*. What could possibly go wrong?

*In case it's unclear, to the unfamiliar, this will come off as bile. Enough bile to fill a Bile Thrall to the point of a Mk1 Purge. Take it in good humour and all will be well!

Yuri the Hunter , Khador Solo.

Enh, I don't hate this model as a Requisition option in Jaws of the Wolf. He can just chill out in the back field and be vaguely annoying to something that can't take him out. I don't know what that something is, but presumably it exists. RIP Kossite Woodsmen though, just when you couldn't be less relevant.

He's just a Tharn Blood Pack with some bells and whistles. Except kind of worse since he hasn't got Treewalker. A strange change since his first iteration did. He’s got super Swift Hunter I guess but he isn’t going to light up the world. Especially since there’s already a Faction that can take 6 of him for 15 points and they don’t. 

His model looks a lot like someone just took an Idrian Skirmisher unit leader model and then sculpted an extra dude over it, except that dude is just your crazy uncle who lives in the woods and owns eight copies of the Unabomber manifesto, which just about fits the production value of the original Riot Quest video from LnL last year so I dig it. 

Stonecold Black Bella, Mercenary Solo

Yep, this sure is a combat Solo that will see play every time a Mercenaries player thinks "I wonder how far this could threaten with Shae ". She's like a less obnoxious Lord of the Feast with a neat aesthetic. I'm alright with this model. If Hearts of Darkness wasn't so limited on Faction Solo count, I'd probably try her with Crosse2 .

I think she’s actually my favourite RQ release so far. Her aesthetics work in Warmachine, her design is streamlined and without unnecessary frills and she does the job well without being mad overpowered. Single wound infantry beware of NotIvyfromsoulcaliber. 

I mean, these are all rules. She’s just a better Bella1, with a good weapon. Wait, is that a 4" Weapon Master Thresher? Why? That’s an amazing weapon, and she’s in Flame in the Darkness too for some reason. The gun is really good for no reason too, and she also has a boosting mechanic, again for no reason. Boostable guns are good, and this model doesn’t need one but I guess this is the world we live in.

Yssylla, Legion of Everblight Solo

It's a Puppet Master bot with better utility and a meta-relevant spell; I'll take one and put her in every list I can probably. She doesn't seem overpowering for that, though, just a neat plugin for the Faction. It's less of a feelsbad than taking 4 point Solos in your Requisition Options, at least.

Eilish1, this time in Nyss flavour. Trading out his terrible nuke for a really good one and upkeep removal on a stick for remove from play on a stick. She’s pretty legit and I’d play her if I played Legion. She should probably be Vayl3 though. 

A lot of rules. That’s the theme here, really. Can’t decide what rules are good so just do all of them and some of them probably are. She’s just a better Ice Witch who also has Shatter Storm, which is an incredibly powerful rule on Blighted Nyss Archers. She’s super good in context even if she looks just kinda ok on her card. Her nuke is solid too but not amazing. 

Bulkhead, Khador Solo.

Yes. This is modl. Modl is tanky. Modl hit thing in face, shoot thing, shoot thing hard. I'm very satisfied at a brainless Khador idiot; the more the Faction gets slow sort of semi-fragile releases the better. Pay attention to the big spray. Pay no attention to Wolves of Winter

“Ahhhhh! POW 20 Spray!” Eh, it’s fine. He threats like 10", or 13" if you put a model 7.5" from him, that’s like 1 step above a structure. Not only that but the fact it’s SP6 and RAT6 so even when he gets there there’s going to limit how many models can can feasibly hit. That being said, he is a chonky boy and Immovable Object is a fantastic rule. He’ll see play but he isn’t going to carry a game on his own.

That spray gives me a half chub, I’m not gonna lie. Sure it’s slow and only RAT6 but man one day you’ll hit that POW20 spray that he has no right to having and it’ll be hilarious. For you, obviously, because it won’t be hilarious to have it happen to you.

Gudrun the Wasted, Mercenary Minion Solo.

I was a little taken aback when I saw this chap, not gonna lie, but I'm alright with an effort to move beyond the Year of Our Shield Guard 2019 into the Year of Our Better than Shield Guard 2020. This is Progress and we should be Happy About It. Tune in for the next cycle when models come with a pair of clippers to snip the end off every gun.

Oh, I heard you wanted even more ranged protection in your Will Work For Food list? How about a DEF19 Wastelander before terrain or spell input? Besides that he’s not super exciting. He hits a thing (sometimes 2 things) really effing hard and that’s about it. We don’t have a points cost at the time or writing but if he’s like 5 or 6 points he’ll be taken. 

I want to write jokes here but why the fuck does this guy have Kinetic Distortion? Why does he get it as a default aura without needing a token to activate it baseline? What the fuck? ( the rest of this section eventually just became the word fuck repeated endlessly -Ed)

Dez and Gubbin, Dynamic Duo, Mercenary Minion Solo.

Schmeh, it's gun, it sort of guns well? I can't get excited about this model, sorry. It's going to be vaguely annoying to support pieces and might chip something decently once in a while, but it's also your Mercenary slot. If you're playing Irregulars or something and don't have that problem, fine, but I can't see them setting the world on fire otherwise (and even in that context it's a tight fit).

YOU GET A JUDICATOR, AND YOU GET A JUDICATOR! EVERYONE GETS A JUDICATOR! (I am not coding in tooltips for all of those Judicators -Ed). Old memes aside, these guys are nuts. It literally is like a better Judicator rocket, at least against infantry if not into hard targets. The only problem is that they take up your Mercenary slot which is getting really hottly contested. They’ll be pretty stupid in Irregulars though! 

BONUS RANT! What is magical about a mortar shell, a goblin or dynamite that said goblin is carrying? Can we please stop putting Magical Weapon on every single model as a random tag on? Either that or lets just remove Incorporeal and Passage altogether and call it a day since they’re about as impactful to todays games as fucking hills are.  

Remember when those 2 idiots from the side movie you didn’t care about teamed up and it was somehow exciting? Me neither. These two have the same energy as a Pepper Potts/Hawkeye spinoff where all they do is drive around a rainy Gotham and get sad about how Superman died (that’s Marvel, right)?

Captain Karli, Cygnar Weapon Attachment.

It was quite funny watching all the Cygnar players get excited about this model, because you could just ask them if it was enough to make them want to play Gravediggers as part of their tournament pairing, and you could see the light go out in their eyes. Cygnar Delenda Est.

I actually forgot she existed while building Gravediggers lists recently. But then I was reminded of her. And let me tell you, a RNG12 POW14 gun with Arcing Fire and AOE3, on top of all the buffs she gives out, is legit for 3 points. Yet somehow, she’s just a bit forgettable. Maybe it’s just me but she’s not very exciting despite having good rules.

I swear you’re making some of these up.

Stone Lord Guvul Godor, Mercenary Command Attachment.

This is a very, very dialled up individual. You just keep finding more rules and more hitting power on the card, and at some point maybe SPD4 stops making all of that acceptable? I dunno, we'll see when I see him on the table I suppose. As an Infernals player, I can't really argue with the existence of a melee combat piece without spell immunity. *laughs in Regna*

This guy just feels like a better Verendrye but for Forge Guard. He’s a beast in melee. He can recur your boys. He can speed up Artillery Corps or Gorten, or stand your lads up. Oh and he gives your boys Cleave to boot. All for the low, low price of 4 points. He’s just really, really good, but Hammer Strike wasn’t really seeing play much so it’s probably fine. 

Yeah, you’re definitely making some of these up.

Ol’ Grim, Cryx Khador Solo.

I was briefly concerned, because that gun is decently powerful if it gets some souls; as much as people might say that Soul Ward is everywhere it does mean that you have to keep your stuff safe, and we don't have it in Infernals. Then I noticed that he doesn't collect souls regardless of proximity, and retreated into the don'tcare fuckoffosphere.

It’s an Incorporeal (lol, as if that rule matters) Widowmaker with Apparition and Gunfighter. Okay. Oh it also has a load of bollocks about souls which will never come up. 

Sure. Kinda like a Widowmaker Hellslinger, with 2016 era rules to match. All his shit is good but he’ll never get souls in the year of our lord 2020 so really hes just 2 POW12s for 6 points and that's not really enough any more. Sniper is a good rules at least, but I wish it was Take Down. A cool model to have on your shelf and show your grandkids when you reminisce about the good old days but not really super competitive imo.

Lynda the Forgotten, Infernals Solo.

C̡̘͕̼̠͜͠U҉̟̳̰̯L҉̶̜T̮̤̗̣͞ͅI̷̟̯͞S̠̺̙̠̳͖̬̭̦͢T̷̥̱͎̠̜̤ ̶̶̯̕I͓͓͙̞̻͉̙͜D͏̰͖͖̣͘Í͎̪͚͞O̗͓̪̮̫͓͍̩͞T̼͉̦͚̳̦͜͜

Seriously, I genuinely shrieked with joy when this model came out. You can find it on the WMH General FB page if you look hard enough; I have orgasm-hair because... well, because I really like this model okay? I don't even think she's that good, and I don't think that after the reception she got she'll make it through internal testing unscathed, but she is my beautiful perfect cultist idiot and I'm so glad she was memed into existence.

Cultist idiot happened at last. All I can say is, thank god she doesn’t have anything related to Essence on her card. That being said she is all but immortal against a huge swathe of armies which isn’t healthy. Marked Souls are already too hard to scalpel due to Arcane Vortex, Deceleration, Umbral Guardians, possibly Long Shadows and a wall of Tormentors with Countercharge in front of them. Having yet more ways to keep these valuable pieces immune to death is stupid. Her abilities are alright I guess but honestly for 4 points her card could be empty besides Low Priority and Marked Soul and she’d be worth including. 

What, we’re actually still going? How many of these little twats are there?   Sigh. Of course. Oh, and she has 1000 rules. Great. 

I mean, I'm glad that riot quest joined in on the action of releasing 4 point Heavies who also have unreasonably good rules that aren't just being a 4 point Heavy. That’s neat. Hopefully this lady stays forgotten, though, because while she’s not necessarily better than a Wretch her uber Stealth/ Wailing combo sure is very irritating.  

Bumbles, Trollbloods Solo.

Sykes trying to convince me that this model shouldn't be as stupendously jacked as it is was always going to be a losing proposition, but he came close. Damn but this model has all the good words in all the good places. Being limited to Storm of the North might be enough to keep it in check, and honestly I've shouted enough on the internet about aggressive changes being needed for Trollbloods to not be angry when I see them. I'm happy to give this model a chance and see how it impacts the meta.

AKA: Trollbloods plaster. This guy is fucking insane. 6 points for what is effectively a better Primal Archon. He may have less boxes but Krielstone plus Unyielding means he’s about as hard to kill in most places. Countercharge Pitch is much better in the 2020 meta than Knockdown, and he can actually kill things. This guy might be a bandage, but Trollbloods need surgery. What happens, though, when they eventually get their day in the sun and have this absolute chad on top? 

Bumbles is the word I often think of when considering PP’s balance philosophy. This guy also won the RQ lottery, with a Valka length card and every stat too good. Consider this: you can have a Fennblade Kithkar for 4 points, or for 6 you can have a bear that hits so hard it could probably one round heavies. Which do you want, a dipshit troll with 2 rubber swords or the reincarnation of Ursa with a card so long it looks like a Costco receipt?

Kogan the Exile, Minion Solo.

I'm sorry but I stopped being able to take this model seriously when the first list I saw it played in was a setup where it thwacked anything it went for into a Rock Wall like they were in the world's angriest game of Pong. First person to replace the axe with a squash racket on their actual model gets front page on the gallery when I set it up.

Mechatharn online. Mechatharn must be balanced around being a mechazombietharn, this is unfortunate. ARM16 is nice but he’s literally just a Ravager with 1 better arm and Unyielding. He’ll die like a sack of shit in any list that isn’t Maelok but he can’t be too much better because of it. He should really have just been a Circle model but never mind.  That aside when he gets there he’s a beast. Especially with a caster that can put up a Rock Wall or Pillar of Salt behind his target….

Look, I get it, you don’t like Smashing Pumpkins, but that’s no reason to exile the dude. He’s just trying his best. It’s not his fault that he has ‘Thirty-Three’ rules and ‘Soma’ them are good.

He’s a Ravager with Smite, which I ‘Love’, and he will certainly leave plenty of ‘Bodies’ in his path. He’s kinda ‘Muzzled’ in Circle, though, because just like the real Billy Corgan apparently owns NWA now this guy is apparently a Minion now, and honestly I think he’ll be much better in Maelok than anywhere else.

Major Aline Benett, Crucible Guard Warcaster.

Honestly I don't even care what this model's rules are, I'm not going to reread them. All I know is that the words at the top are not ’Aurum Boredum Syvmehtro’ and that is more than enough for me. I have been given a Warcaster who sort of seems vaguely good and who is not some masked saddo with a brother complex; I will take her as an offlist with Mackay and I will be quite happy with that. It should maybe be concerning that that's my standard here? But my hatred for Syvestro is deep and abiding, so Benett gets the place in my pairing purely to spite him. Take that, tabletop miniature.

Finally, the Rocketman caster we’ve all been waiting for! The fastest caster EVER PRINTED! ...Oh. SPD7 is quite limp for a Warcaster with a fucking jet pack. That aside she’s solid. Down Range is an excellent spell, and the rest are nice to have. Unfortunately, Raid is possibly the worst spell in the game. It costs you Focus to persuade you to do something which is actively bad since charging not only gives no benefit but it means you can’t use the other two excellent orders that Rocketmen have. Finally, her feat is laaaaazzzyyyyy. But I guess it’s the only way that PP can get us to actually put Rocketmen on the table so I guess that’s something? Overall she’s good but she’s mainly just a buff bot which to me, isn’t where she should be in terms of design space. 

This card has major ‘shit, we need something quick because the keynote fell flat' energy. Seriously, that Feat just looks like a placeholder. So does the spell list, to an extent. When you have the design space to make a Rocketman Warcaster, you can make a cool, high movement, high energy work Warcaster with good guns, and you think you might get that when you look at the neat flamethrowers and Reposition (5"), etc., but her spell list is just a buff bot, and that’s boring. How’d you make one of the coolest units in the entire game boring?

Boomhowler the Destroyer, Mercenary Minion Solo.

Just make this a Trollbloods exclusive model. Seriously, I don't care. Make a PDF lore download explaining why he forsook money in search of more Northkin alcohol or because his paymasters disliked the mommy fetish Shivers has for him. I will download it, read it, and pay for it; just please make this guy an exclusive so he doesn't have to be toned down for other Factions. 

There sure are a lot of words here, the TL:DR being. Hits hard, brings good buffs. All of his Fell Calls are really good, +2 to hit, a threat extender and a cute mobility effect. He does open up a lot of doors. Also his Thresher sure will kill a lot of things. Unfortunately there is a big problem on his card and it’s the name “Boomhowler” You’re probably just going to play Boomhowler2 still since that model is nuts.

I sometime think with these guys they just print out a little slip of all the rules a model might have then draw 4d20 of them from a hat, rushing away to see what they got to work with. This guy won the draft - he does unreasonable damage and has support rules for some reason, and has Countercharge I guess? At least he’s eight points, but in Trollbloods/ Minions he’s at least 12/19, so good luck getting him before he swings his silly axe and CIDs your infantry.

Shivers, Circle Solo.

I'm honestly so happy about this model, and it's not because I think that the rules are actually good - because I really, really don't - but because it was very funny to count down the seconds until Paul got unreasonably mad about this guy, while making jokes about Primal in the background (because Primal is Paul's favourite Animus, and PP if you're listening you should put it on more Circle models to make him titanically happy). This is what happens when you keep complaining about the lack of previews for your Faction, Paul. Monkey's fucking paw.

“More boring than a day in a bank,  and about as welcome as a wet fart in a lift.” These are the only words I can use to describe this stupid baby. He could have been excellent. A Lesser with a useful Animus, a support model with Fell Calls that buff the terrible units of The Wild Hunt into some semblance of playability. Anything. But not a limp ass combat solo that needs to be hit and survive to become somewhat okay. And then at SPD 6, SP6 without Assault, his only potentially useful tool is also about as useful as a bag of wet otters. Urgh… Lets move on. 

Yes, mummy fetish boy is here! Complete with his lil diaper and his bad rules!

His whole kit is such a mood. He just wants to get hit, at which point he gets his freak on (again, mood) but hes just very bad at it so all he does is yell a lot and wave around his tiny sword until the turn is over and he’s not hard any more. Did I say hard? I meant mad. Yeah, definitely.

Underboss Vizkoya, Khador Solo.

Yeah, sorry, I'm bored now, it's a Khador model so my attention is already limited and it doesn't seem to be in any of the really scary Themes. Call me when there's a silly interaction in Irregulars  or whatever; I have coding to do.

I literally ran out of attention by the time this guy was released so I’m giving you my first reactions. And… he’s kind of cool I guess? He’s like Lord of the Feast and a Kayazy Eliminator mashed together. I will note that Critical Stagger could be insane if you can apply a method of boosting his to hit roll and then applying Puppet Master. Slap him into a Colossal or Battle Engine and you’re off to the races.

Honestly you can only make me look at so many combat Solos before I go insane. It’s inhumane really. I’m sure you’ve made this one up though, no way is this real.

And that's it for tonight! Remember, wash down Paul's salt with Ben's bile, then sprinkle on a little bit of Mark's sugar*. Also, at the time of writing there's a few hours left on the Kickstarter, so if you've drawn inspiration from our ranting then you can still go back it. Until next time!

*if it's purple, DO NOT TOUCH IT -KM Health Team

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